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Jul. 28th, 2007 09:50 amI have been reading Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads, a follow up to the unbelievably awesome Queen Bees and Wannabes. The first one was about cliques and the social pecking order in pre-teens and teens; the second one is about how to deal with other parents who apparently never got past seventh grade pecking order behaviours.
I picked it up because the first one was an incredible book that everyone should read, not as parents or even potential parents but as former inhabitants of "Girl World" and "Boy World". I wasn't sure how relevant the second would be, though, as conflict resolution with other parents is not something I've been faced with yet. But nonetheless, it was a humbling, thought-provoking, and downright terrifying read. As with defining "Girl World" and "Boy World", where she asks girls and boys what a girl or a boy is supposed to be like / not supposed to be like, she asks moms and dads what moms and dads are supposed to be like / not supposed to be like. And as it turns out, that list is a frightening reflection of what I expect from moms, including myself in the future. So all these lofty Grand Ideas I've had for what I'll do when I'm a mom...that's not a standard, that's a stereotype. Ouch. Zing!
So I'm reading about ways of dealing with social situations where parental intervention may be called for - where your kid is not invited to The Party, where your kid has ditched a friend or otherwise been cruel, where your kid is convinced the teacher hates him. And you know...I hadn't thought about some of my grade-school battles from my mom's perspective. And GOOD GOD IS IT SCARY. Like the last book, this one is full of incredibly rational and intelligent things to say in any given situation - but actually coming up with them in the heat of the moment looks like kind of a herculean skill. I would like to think I could be the kind of mom who doesn't play bullshit power games with her kids and other parents, but I would have liked to be the kind of kid who didn't, too, and look how far that got. How the hell does anybody develop the kind of confidence and serenity it takes to handle these situations in a non-reactionary, intelligent way? I remember situations where my mom totally achieved that, but I still don't know how she did it, and I'm terrified that when the time comes I will find myself not made of such stern stuff. I mean, I am already second-guessing myself.
I picked it up because the first one was an incredible book that everyone should read, not as parents or even potential parents but as former inhabitants of "Girl World" and "Boy World". I wasn't sure how relevant the second would be, though, as conflict resolution with other parents is not something I've been faced with yet. But nonetheless, it was a humbling, thought-provoking, and downright terrifying read. As with defining "Girl World" and "Boy World", where she asks girls and boys what a girl or a boy is supposed to be like / not supposed to be like, she asks moms and dads what moms and dads are supposed to be like / not supposed to be like. And as it turns out, that list is a frightening reflection of what I expect from moms, including myself in the future. So all these lofty Grand Ideas I've had for what I'll do when I'm a mom...that's not a standard, that's a stereotype. Ouch. Zing!
So I'm reading about ways of dealing with social situations where parental intervention may be called for - where your kid is not invited to The Party, where your kid has ditched a friend or otherwise been cruel, where your kid is convinced the teacher hates him. And you know...I hadn't thought about some of my grade-school battles from my mom's perspective. And GOOD GOD IS IT SCARY. Like the last book, this one is full of incredibly rational and intelligent things to say in any given situation - but actually coming up with them in the heat of the moment looks like kind of a herculean skill. I would like to think I could be the kind of mom who doesn't play bullshit power games with her kids and other parents, but I would have liked to be the kind of kid who didn't, too, and look how far that got. How the hell does anybody develop the kind of confidence and serenity it takes to handle these situations in a non-reactionary, intelligent way? I remember situations where my mom totally achieved that, but I still don't know how she did it, and I'm terrified that when the time comes I will find myself not made of such stern stuff. I mean, I am already second-guessing myself.
