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Mar. 5th, 2007 10:40 pmI was poking through old entries tonight looking for evidence of when springlike weather "usually" shows up. Unless the arrival of spring is as freakishly delayed as the arrival of winter - God forbid! - it should only be two or three more weeks!!
The other thing I noticed: man, I am a lot happier now than I was through most of 2003 - 2005. That's something I tend to forget, but it really jumps out at me from those old entries. Generally speaking, and during this time of year in particular, I was pretty miserable. My self-confidence was at a horrendous all-time low, I was lonely, and I was barely doing anything with myself except for work, which I hated. I mean, I still hate February, and I still get impatient for the future, and I still blow up over stupid shit like people cutting through our yard. But the difference is kind of astonishing.
I'm starting to think leaving school was the right thing to do. Leaving work and Montreal to go to school was also the right thing to do, but not for the reasons I had in mind at the time. I think the most important things I've learned the past couple years are:
* that I have to be busy. The thing is that it's not about just doing whatever I feel like, because if I did that - as those old entries can bear witness - I'd just sit around and vegetate and end up feeling obscurely shitty about everything. If I'd done what I felt like doing tonight I would have stayed home, but instead I hauled my ass out the door and went to wield power tools for Savoy. And in the end I'm glad I made the effort. I have to feel like I'm accomplishing something, somehow, somewhere, before I can actually enjoy time off.
* that my mom was right and I really can do anything I set my mind to. Not that I don't have my insecure freakout moments, but since leaving Montreal I've been finding that when I want something bad enough, I can make it happen. I left my job in Montreal; I left school. These were my choices. I was afraid that by leaving school I would be catapulted back to the tiny box I felt so trapped in before - but actually so far the effect has been kind of the opposite. I may still be Mme Administratrice, but this time around I feel like I'm at least semi-in-control of my life. The difference this has made to my confidence level is amazing. Note to self for anytime I feel trapped and railroaded in the future: CHANGE IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.
Ugh, and now it's 11:20. That was not bright. Tomorrow at lunch I design glass to start hacking at tomorrow evening.
The other thing I noticed: man, I am a lot happier now than I was through most of 2003 - 2005. That's something I tend to forget, but it really jumps out at me from those old entries. Generally speaking, and during this time of year in particular, I was pretty miserable. My self-confidence was at a horrendous all-time low, I was lonely, and I was barely doing anything with myself except for work, which I hated. I mean, I still hate February, and I still get impatient for the future, and I still blow up over stupid shit like people cutting through our yard. But the difference is kind of astonishing.
I'm starting to think leaving school was the right thing to do. Leaving work and Montreal to go to school was also the right thing to do, but not for the reasons I had in mind at the time. I think the most important things I've learned the past couple years are:
* that I have to be busy. The thing is that it's not about just doing whatever I feel like, because if I did that - as those old entries can bear witness - I'd just sit around and vegetate and end up feeling obscurely shitty about everything. If I'd done what I felt like doing tonight I would have stayed home, but instead I hauled my ass out the door and went to wield power tools for Savoy. And in the end I'm glad I made the effort. I have to feel like I'm accomplishing something, somehow, somewhere, before I can actually enjoy time off.
* that my mom was right and I really can do anything I set my mind to. Not that I don't have my insecure freakout moments, but since leaving Montreal I've been finding that when I want something bad enough, I can make it happen. I left my job in Montreal; I left school. These were my choices. I was afraid that by leaving school I would be catapulted back to the tiny box I felt so trapped in before - but actually so far the effect has been kind of the opposite. I may still be Mme Administratrice, but this time around I feel like I'm at least semi-in-control of my life. The difference this has made to my confidence level is amazing. Note to self for anytime I feel trapped and railroaded in the future: CHANGE IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE.
Ugh, and now it's 11:20. That was not bright. Tomorrow at lunch I design glass to start hacking at tomorrow evening.
